My Addiction
I never would have thought that so many other women struggle with the habitual temptations of masturbation and pornography.
I have struggled with masturbation since I was about 10 years old. I have kept it a secret from family and friends for 12 years now. I pretty much was brought up in a Christian family. I received Christ when I was 13 years old. It started when I was only 10 and I was living with my stepfather. He wasn’t a Christian. He had a lot of pornographic material (movies and magazines). Of course, he didn’t intend on any of the children to get ahold of it, but we did. Out of a child’s natural curiosity especially about sex, we would sneak a few peeks of the pornographic movies before our parents would come home from work.
After viewing such sexual material, my mind and flesh remained curious of sex and the things I had seen on the movie or in a magazine. I guess you can say I imitated these sexual images. I don’t even remember exactly how it started, I just remember it felt pleasing to the flesh. I would begin to do it often, especially when I was alone and watching pornographic movies.
As years went by and even after I got saved I still struggled with it. Then I struggled with the question of was it really a sin or not? But I knew that something was wrong if I felt guilty and dirty after I did it. I knew that God gave us our conscience for a reason to know the difference between right and wrong. I knew in my heart it was wrong and I had a serious, but embarrassing addiction that only God can cure.
I am now 22-years-old and married with 2 beautiful girls. Over and over again I tell myself that I am going to stop. I try to repent and pray again that God will remove this sin from me, but I still fall. If I think of or see any kind of pornographic material whether it be women or men, I feel tempted and fall into temptation.
I thought that I would have the strength to stop once I was married and had children, but I haven’t. Sometimes it’s really frustrating because at times it hinders me from enjoying intimacy with my husband. I guess because I have been indulging in self gratification for so long. I haven’t told him it, but maybe someday I will. But for now I share it in confidence to know that I’m not the only person.
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