BloodRayne

Uwe Boll’s “Bloodrayne” is a terrible movie. I can’t think of one positive thing to say about it. I guess I should have seen the signs: (1) it’s an Uwe Boll movie, (2) it’s yet another movie adaptation of a video game, (3) the preview was terrible, and (4) the studio refused to screen it in advance for critics. “Bloodrayne” is worse than the lowest budget, direct-to-video releases. It’s worse than “Frankenfish.” It’s worse than “Raptor Island.” It’s even worse than “Manos, The Hand of Fate” (one of the worst movies ever made… trust me, don’t rent it).

Uwe Boll made a name for himself by directing two other movie adaptations of video games: “House of the Dead” and “Alone in the Dark”. Both were terrible, but for some reason, studios keep using him to make feature films. Apparently there is money to be made with movie versions of video games, even if they are ridiculously bad.

What made me go see “Bloodrayne”? Well, I’m a sucker for a good action/sci-fi/fantasy movie. I’m such a sucker, in fact, that I’m willing to subject myself to horrible film after horrible film to discover the gems. Plus, “Bloodrayne” stars Kristanna Loken, who played the evil Terminator in “Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines,” and also stars Michelle Rodriguez (of “Girlfight” fame and currently on ABC’s “Lost”) and Ben Kingsley (“Ghandi”!). I thought that such a collection of actors was sure to produce at least an interesting movie. How wrong I was!

“Bloodrayne” is the story of Rayne (Loken), a dhampir (half-human, half-vampire) driven by revenge to murder her father, Kagan (Kingsley), who raped and murdered her mother when Rayne was a small child. Rayne is aided in her quest by the Brimstone Society, a secret army of vampire hunters. There’s also something ridiculous about a vampire who died and left his heart, rib, and eye in different locations: the person who finds them and brings them together will become all-powerful.

The writing in “Bloodrayne” is unusually poor—with awkward sentences and forced dialogue. I know that Ben Kingsley is a great actor. I saw “Ghandi”, and I saw him in the film adaptation of “Twelfth Night”, as well as in “The House of Sand and Fog”. And Michelle Rodriguez was excellent in “Girlfight” and is a welcome addition to the “Lost” crew. I have to say that the writing and the directing were so atrocious that they made every one of the actors look bad.

The action was also awful. I’ve never seen such poor fight choreography. It’s as if Uwe hired a novice to choreograph the sword fights and fist fights. When bad fight choreography is combined with actors who are not skilled at action, it’s a recipe for disaster. (Or the recipe for “Bloodrayne.”) All Loken had to do in “Terminator” was scowl and look pretty. In “Boodrayne”, she has to move skillfully. Loken seems to lack the grace that makes good fight choreography resemble ballet. She looks awkward and slow in every scene that requires athleticism.

There’s plenty to be offended at in “Bloodrayne”—lots of violence, lots of gore, a smattering of nudity, some gratuitous sex, and plenty of neck biting.

I recommend that everyone stay away from this movie. It will waste your time, money, and spirit. As a Christian, I believe that God is the prime mover behind human creativity, end owing us with a wealth of differing gifts and talents, and it breaks my heart to see entertainment like this that cheapens the idea of art. A well-crafted film is a work of art. It makes a statement, challenges us, or touches us deeply in a meaningful way. This film is a hack job—exploiting base desires and instincts.

Violence: Heavy / Profanity: Minor / Sex/Nudity: Heavy

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